Searching, sinking, feeling


On one end love is pulling me in, reassuring me of God’s kindness and his presence and on the other end a never ending war of terror. It seems I’m afraid of the unknown. It’s this fear of surrendering that keeps me awake at night. And even when I know that the few times I have placed myself in the hands of God, wonderful things have happened, it still doesn’t help. To be honest I’m just tired of trying to do it all by myself, and I’m starting to feel like maybe I don’t have to. I’m getting to that Psalms 139 place.

‘God, investigate my life;
    get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;

even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
    I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
    before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
    then up ahead and you’re there, too—
    your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
    I can’t take it all in!’

Speaking from experience, surrender is a difficult step to take in any faith given scenario. I have found this a very difficult prayer to pray throughout my walk with God.

As a matter of fact when I see my heart in light of surrender I often think of that Romans 12 joke about the problem with a living sacrifice being its ability to crawl off the alter. I often imagine myself being the sacrifice that energetically rolls off the alter, takes an easy jump for it and reluctantly jogs off the rest of the way to a spiritually comfortable place that does not demand for me to give my all.

Lately, my mind keeps taking me back to two weeks ago when I attended a course at Miracle Life Family Church, Lusaka, Zambia. I was at a school for life seminar themed ‘uncovering your S.H.A.P.E’. S.H.A.P.E is supposed to help people understand who they are. It was pioneered by Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren. According to him, discovering your purpose is all about uncovering your SHAPE: your Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality type and Experiences.  I had a wonderful time getting in touch with my spiritual gifts and natural abilities in a way I never had before. I highly recommend the course for all purpose seekers (a link you can follow Uncovering your S.H.A.P.E)

The class however ended on an epic note. The last topic was surrender. I slowly noticed the mood changing when it came up. Fellow course mates and I left the room in a rather somber mood compared to how we started. Surrender. It’s been on my mind since. I have been questioning myself lately about how truly surrendered I am to Gods plan and purpose for my life. I’ve been very uneasy and deflecting the thoughts of giving up what I assume would be my sign of surrender.  I don’t like feeling like this so I am doubtfully walking towards a place of love. The idea of surrender terrifies me still.

And that is why am here, at Psalm 139, reading through a brave prayer. It sounds familiar. ‘Lord search me…’ find the thing about me that makes me afraid of you and bring it into your marvelous light where fear cannot reside… I feel like Gods deepness is calling out to my spirit but I don’t know how to answer.

So am not quite there yet, but I’m still learning how to pray like this:

Investigate my life, O God,
    find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
    get a clear picture of what I’m about;
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—
    then guide me on the road to eternal life.

Psalms 139- The Message Bible


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s